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NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS MOVIE!

 

Where is my sequel to I am Number 4?

I haven’t written in a long time but I am making my return with an opinion rant. With the new Scorch Trials movie coming out, I had to say something: How is it that there are two Percy Jackson movies and now two Maze Runner movies but no sequels to the Lorien Legacies motion picture adaptation, I am Number Four and no sequel to The Golden Compass? ... HOW? I have been lamenting about I am Number Four for years, close friends will attest. I know you know the answer, I read the Wikipedia page too. Disappointing box office number$.  

As you may or may not know, I am working my way slowly through Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials series. I am well aware that readers said the movie was a far cry from the mastery of the book- in fact, they said the movie messed up the story and because of that there could be no sequel movie. There is also the theory that all the shade it got from the Vatican lead to its sequel death. I know what you’re thinking, that I’m probably just sour about not getting to salivate at a cinema screen sized version of the smouldering hot Alex Pettyfer. Well, that is not false but what made I am Number Four great in both print and motion picture was, in my opinion, seeing the protagonist choose the greater good over the pretty girl (this came out 21 days before Thor people so don’t throw that argument my way). I had watched the movie before having read the books so I was left in what would have been eternal suspense waiting to see if the other alien teenagers would be found, be equally as hot, on and on. Fortunately, the gods were merciful and I found the books. I still had hope for sequels because the books were so good. Instead what I got was more of Percy Jackson. Don’t get me wrong, the books are delightful but the movies were like Danté’s rings of hell. The most memorable things from ‘The Lightning Thief’ were the ubiquitous Adidas sneakers, Apple phones with exceptionally reflective surfaces, Uma Thurman’s lugubriously short tenure followed by her hilarious death and several thinly veiled puns criticising the political economy during 'the recession'.

 

Then we were treated to yet another arduous sitting of Percy Jackson, the Sea of Monsters this time. Filled with strange SFX as they ‘demystified’ the Bermuda Triangle, the thing that stood out was the cab ride with the three blind crazy witches who drove Percy & Co. in a cab/chariot of damnation. The usual suspect- (clears throat) I mean- evil Lightning Thief returns with more poorly thought out ploys to best his cousin Percy but ends up with pie in his face- again. And don’t get me started on that part when they tried to subliminally hypnotize us into believing Percy’s love interest is oh so dreamy (a butterfly flutters by gently to the sound of tinkling wind chimes). No.

 

On to Maze Runner, as you’ve probably noticed; dystopian futuristic stories where rebellious teenagers hold the key to everything, not time as Stephen Hawking has been saying, are all the rage. Maze Runner fits in nicely among its peers except this time the protag is a boy. Let’s talk about the Grievers… that I never saw because the lighting and the way they were shot in the film was so terrible. Seriously, it was really dark! All I saw were silhouettes- sort of the way you would if you were ambling about a lethal mechanical maze using the moon as your only source of light. The film succeeds at leaving everyone totally confused, like we were all John Snow at the end of that but it also had a certain “Je ne sais quoi and I don’t care either”-ness to it so imagine my shock and horror- er... cough cough, I mean- surprise when I discovered that there is a sequel. I guess I’m the lonely one crying blood for I am Number Four and The Golden Compass.